today i walked for two hours straight and then some.
destroyed my body
because i am full of love
you must understand, here, that the "then some" is separate from the "walking two hours straight" part--when i say i walked for two hours straight, i mean that literally. for almost two hours exactly, i walked and walked, until my legs were numb and i felt like i couldn't even stop their movements if i wanted to. i thought that i might die from such stupid behaviour.
this was all, of course, to visit a very beautiful railroad crossing whom i usually take the bus to meet. i thought: why don't i walk to her? this was my first mistake.
the final stretch before i stopped, a bridge spanning just under 2.7 kilometers (~1.68 miles, for the americans), was probably the hardest; if i were to stop at this moment, i would never regain my strength, and probably end up stranded. so i just had to push on, while i couldn't think and while cars and bikes rushed past my right side, with sharaku kobayashi jun togawa beside me (or rather in my ears), all i could do was put one foot in front of the other. my water was exhausted by this point.
i'm sure that thanks to this experience i have finally begun to understand just how humans survived as what might be called "endurance hunters". after a certain point, i was sure that i had no limits anymore. with my goal in mind, the beautiful candy cane boomgates i had set my sights on, i might have walked double the distance. i was truly sure that, if i pushed one more minute and another minute after that, i would see her.
when i was in high school, i spent all day reading dir en grey fanfiction, and an idea i had learned from one stayed close to my heart: a human can endure anything for 15 seconds. you can live through hell if it's 15 seconds at a time. that's my paraphrased version of the quote. it helped me a lot leading up to being kicked out, and during my walk, this mindset helped again. if i stopped i would have fainted. i think i checked zd on my phone just to have something to think about.
when i came to the other side of the bridge i stumbled to a beachside bench and watched a man fish with a net, something i had somehow never seen in person until today; even i only use rods. i had never truly appreciated the strength it must take. i think i do now. i chainsmoked without caring for my dwindling supply--the tobacconists here actually all just got shut down--and they were probably the most satisfying cigarettes of my life. i stared into the distance and i thought i could make one more hour but the weakness in my legs when i stood up got the better of me.
i caught the bus the rest of the way. i watched the signal, listened to her beep and light up and lower her boomgates, witnessed a test train and stared at the wheels as the trains flew past me. i did this some five times. then, ravenous and admittedly dizzy, i demolished a chicken burger and water. i took the bus home, played a round of online mahjong, and somehow didn't faint the moment i walked in the door.
i learned why i love public transport, and to appreciate road infrastructure. and that i'd do a lot for the things i love, but i don't think it's always worth it. if i don't wake up tomorrow having dropped ten kilograms, i'll be disappointed! (joke.)
i did not lose ten kilograms.
i did have health problems for about a week due to overexerting myself. i am a very weak and fragile person.