cattle mutilation

i administer my medication—if you could call it that; many don't. i don't.—weekly. or, at the very least, as close to weekly as i can get.

the thing with what i take is that:

this is good for me. i am more or less concerned about keeping the stuff in my body, but without much else in my life to guide me, i can't keep a schedule. i'm often in waiting periods, doing nothing but staring at my computer and writing new articles for things that may or may not ever be unveiled.

back to the medication: i buy it irregularly and illegally, from the same website that thousands of similarly or dissimilarly insecure men use. (men who take this sort of thing are never not insecure. the most insecure of all are the ones who will tell you they do it "for themselves" and not admit theie insecurity.) i do not take the dose other men take, and so i administer it a mere once a week.

i use the word administer rather than take because it is not in pill form; it is injected. i know a few people who are terrified of injections, more so injecting themselves. they ask me: how do i ever do it? i don't know how to respond.

i was very shaky the first time i did it. while i had never been afraid of needles, and in fact loved to watch it pierce my skin whenever a vaccination was in order. i was a goth child, and i had a fascination with everything creepy, biological, or morbid.

but doing it yourself is different. i only learned that when i was faced with it.

there are many sites where you can inject—the location doesn't matter so much as the ability to get the needle in you and not hit a vein—so my area of choice is my thighs. there's a good amount of fat on top of the good amount of muscle, so it's impossible to stick anything "too deep", compared to my wiry arms or my stomach.

there are a few steps, before you administer it. you have to open the vial, prepare a fresh syringe, prepare a fresh needle; you have to, upside down, get the liquid into the syringe at your desired dose; you have to change the needle to a shorter, cleaner one; then, you have to inject it into your body.

every time, i expect the worst. then, when the needle does not even hurt my skin, i wonder why i was ever afraid.

as time goes on, i become less and less hesitant. one day i will hit something awful and bleed to death, i bet!

the medication i speak of is, of course, testosterone enanthate. it's a steroid! it's also a natural human hormone.

i am not a bodybuilder. i am merely insecure, although bodybuilders are also insecure.

i consider myself insecure because it is the truth. i am not insecure about the fact that i am insecure, therefore i do not hesitate to admit it. i know many men who are insecure for different reasons than me—namely, they have body dysmorphia, and they wish to become the most dehydrated, least fat, most grotesque to look at gym rats imaginable.

i am not a gym rat. in fact, i am too scared to go, but not because i am overweight. i am an effeminate and wiry man; i have been for the whole of my life, and in fact, testosterone brought on certain side effects of puberty that i thought had simply decided to pass me.

i had not once gotten a blood test, other than when i was an infant child. perhaps i really was one of those "low testosterone male" that people speak of so awfully!

all of this being said, i am still wiry and effeminate, although less insecure about that fact. i could become less wiry if only i chose to exercise.