i guess problems don't really go away on their own, though.
self injury
in high school, i developed a but of a self mutilation habit.
well, i cut myself, and not really that deep. self injury... self harm... the japanese call it リスカ, or risuka, which is short for wrist-cutting but could be applied to all sorts of cutting oneself. problem though, i was scared of my own wrist. so proper risuka was off the table.
i was too afraid of injury that could actually lead to death and it would be too visible considering my school uniform was short-sleeved. i considered myself above other people who self mutilate. i was embarrassed of my own behaviour—i wasn't attention seeking therefore i wasn't doing it for superficial reasons.
that was stupid of me, because i didn't have any reasons at all. i straight up admitted this to the few people who knew about my habit, too: i don't know why i cut myself. it makes me angrier than i already am.
i started out with blades unscrewed from pencil sharpeners and moved on to shoplifted eyebrow razors. i cut my thighs, my fears of injury alleviated by the amount of fat in the area and my fear of being caught drastically reduced by the fact that, even in shorts, nobody could see all that gross meat
later on i moved to my upper arms and shoulders.
all scars from that time are the same colour as my skin now, no matter how raised. but they get itchy
being a young man who cut himself, who didn't even have the courage to just slit his wrists already, became more and more humiliating by the day. self harm is for whiny emo girls. i was stupid. i was girly. this was stupid. i stopped eventually.
recently, for unknown reasons, i went crazy & started cutting myself again!
absolutely insane of me. i hate it.
but at least i have the drive to cut on my wrist now, and with real razor blades too. if i were to cut my shoulder, my badass tattoo would be ruined.
...i still hide it though.
almost nobody i see in person (barring dear friends) has ever seen it in scab form. i think total-skin scars are acceptable to show, but i keep adding to the number and never have a clear enough wrist to do that.
maybe i'll stop again