there is a fundamental disconnect between me, the individual typing this, and any human being you may pick at random.
humanoid
today was hot and clear, so i left the house for some real-world interaction, something i sorely lack. i was tired but i needed to leave the house. i feel suffocated lately and there is only one antidote: fresh air.
i live on the east coast of australia, and very very close to the water at that; so, as usual when i walk north or south, i chose to take my route along the the beach. the sky was so incredibly blue. the sun beat down on me and, while i was not sunburned, my bare arms still feel sensitive and shaky for some reason.
i had forgotten that it is a saturday, however. the boardwalk was packed and the beach was full of people. families with children flying kites; couples laughing; friends swimming. the wind was loud in my ears and people were happy. it's really nice.
but there will always be more similarity between me and the seagulls chattering and cleaning themselves than there is between me and most other human beings.
there are not very many people in my life who understand me. my girlfriend comes the closest. there are a few dear friends behind her. i don't really know how to explain myself otherwise. i could have all of the same interests as you; i could have something you're looking for; i would still find a way to ruin a conversation. there is an invisible wall. you and i are not the same.
i don't like to talk about it in the open but i am cognitively impaired. i have been this way for my entire existence, and while i am theoretically smart, i struggle with the practical elements of life. i need to be thoroughly trained by another person or be told to do things in some extremely obvious way. the problem is that there will not always be an instruction manual for me as i keep on living.
i am more like a seagull than a human being. at the same time, a seagull can adequately take care of itself and live on its own, and the difference between seagulls and humans is that humans are always thinking about themselves.
i cannot live on my own. i think about myself all too much.
it crosses back over and turns me into an alien whose only concern is its own appearance and its few vague interests. i don't even know how to speak with another person, and it's not for a lack of trying. it is why i prefer to communicate over email the most, despite owning about seven messenger apps on my phone. asynchronous communication is the only type of communication that i have ever come to understand.
i am more humanoid than human being.